Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
