I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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