Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
