Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
