I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
