there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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