I hate all girls vehemently.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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