Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
