I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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