Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
