I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
