stop calling my apartment porn island.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
