It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
