I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
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