I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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