yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
