Yo dont text me then not text me
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
