if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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