his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
