Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
