The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
