Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
