the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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