okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
