My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
