I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
