I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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