I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
