I accidentally had phone sex last night
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
