Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
