Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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