Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
