My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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