Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
