He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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