I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
