just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
