My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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