I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
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