i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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