her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
