HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're a waste of cheezeits
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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