Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
