Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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