i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
