God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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