Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
