you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
