i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
