I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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