saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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