alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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