Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
