I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
